Reason #21

I never yell. NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reason #20

I hold my babies every second. I never put them down.

Reason #19

I don't put my kids in day care. I don't believe a woman named Maria is my kids mommy. I am.

Reason #18

I breastfed my children. If you didn't, your only good excuse is an inverted nipple. Otherwise, shame on you.

Reason #17

Cell phones in elementary school? Shoot me now.

Reason #16

My kids are modest. No bikini on my five year old. No daisy dukes on my seven year old. I don't want to raise a prostitute. I don't think thats a very good profession.

Reason #15

I don't believe in the "My kid grew out of naps when he was two" crap. This just means you were too weak to put up with their screaming when you laid them down. And then you caved in. Put them in bed. Lay down the law. Put up a gate. Lock their door. Saran wrap them to the bed. Do whatever you gotta do. They need the sleep. And you need your sanity. Because you are crazy. And I'm not.

Reason #14

I use plastic bags at the grocery store because the resusable bags are for schmucks. And they are disease carriers. And they are for people who want to feel all warm and fuzzy about saving the environment. And they are for people stupid enough to believe that global warming is real.

Reason #13

I'm actually married. And not under the age of 18. Imagine that.

Reason #12

I am not my childrens' friend. I am their ruler.

Reason #11

My kids poop doesn't even smell bad.

Reason #10

My kids are smarter than yours. Yours are kind of stupid.

Reason #9

My kids wear seatbelts. The next time I'm on the road and see a kid running around the backseat of a minivan, things are going to get really ugly, really fast.

Reason #8

I don't homeschool. Because homeschooled kids are a little on the creepy side.

Reason #7

Co-sleeping with infants is for wimps....and for people who don't like sex.

Reason #6

I teach them stuff.

Reason #5

Cloth diapers????!!! Oh heck no.

Reason #4

I'm kinda pretty. You probably aren't.

Reason #3

I don't feed my kids organic crap. And you shouldn't either. I mean, what is that anyways?

Reason #2

I spank my kids. And you should too. Sometimes kids are bad.

Reason #1

My kids are cuter than yours. They smell better too.